Do YOU think it is wrong to ask "WHY is everything happen the way that it is"? as for me if i never asked that question, i never would have REALIZED that GOD is the answer. so do YOU think this is wrong? if so then WHY?

okay so, i $#@&* up with him. i messed up everything, my friendship with him, all because i felt like im stronger. koya jerk.  i lost the craziest of my life because i was selling the fish aka selfish. i thought in the moment and wanted happiness and freedom. when deep down inside, i honestly do want these and be like usual. like we always be. lepak2 and talk vulgarly, no offense. i don't know what to do now, i mean i really want everything to become normal but i messed them up. poor me. i honestly do not think i deserve this chance to be with him again and the rest of us. our geng. i am doing all that i can to act cool and ignore all the pass but i don't think its working. i don't think im worth that one more chance...and that upsets me. i love our friendship to death and i never thought i would end up in a sad ending here. but now that i have, it really hits me, that i wanted this friendship last forever. remember BFF.  people say to learn from my mistakes but i want to make this one better. i feel so bad that i put him through what i have ( which is a lot). i asked his help for so many times till terhutang budi daa. but how do i fix this? i need advice, im absolutely lost and trying my best to repair my friendship. somehow, the more i try to correct thing, the more things just get screwed up even more or don’t change at all! i cant go on like this anymore. it seems from morning to night im super down and just cant get it to go away! i guess i just need to confront and talk to him! but im scare lol.

p/s i really hope, tht was not the last message i got from him.